Fears of the Unknown
by Anaroriel
Summary: Kalasin reflects upon the events that lead up to the night before her departure to Carthak and eventual marriage to Emperor Kaddar in a far away country.
1. Night before Departure

I rested my dark head against the coolness of the pillow. My cheek pressed against the soft cloth that bound the goose feathers and my arm pulled up the expensive blankets over my chilled nightgown covered body. I breathed in the smell of my room and recorded the sweet aroma of perfume, the dusty smell of burning wax, and the pure scent of ink to my memory. This would be the last time I would sleep in my bed of seventeen years.

The thought was more painful than I imagined. Wetness trickled onto the pillow and seeped into the fabric. A shuddering gasp echoed through the still chamber like a scream and I turned my head into the pillow to muffle to sound.

Fear – so deep and thick I thought I was drowning in the syrupy mess – smothered my common sense and caused me to cry out from the pain of my heart being squeezed into two parts.

Calm down, I ordered myself, and slowly my tears subsided. I was afraid, more afraid than any other time in my life, including all the battles I had been in and all the times I had failed to save the life of another with my Gift.

It had been my choice, or so I tried to assure myself as I rolled over to a dry spot on my pillow. That was not entirely the truth and everyone knew it. I had known all my life that I would have an alliance marriage for the good of Tortall. My decision had consisted of the groom.

I remembered with full detail the day my father that told me this was to be my fate. We were in the drawing room, and it had been seven years ago. The room had been a gold color during this time period before my mother decided she hated it and painted it blue a year later. My father, King Jonathan IV of Conté, was resting his head against the head of the white chair. He had survived a long day of what he liked to call "a battle with the nobles," and was trying his best to relax with his family.

My younger brother Jasson was rolling on the floor with Liam in a wrestling game, their laughter becoming louder and louder as the game became more violent. My mother, Queen Thayet the Peerless, scolded them softly and gave them a toy to play with instead. She glanced at my father who was rubbing his temples with exhausted and drawn out movements before deciding to take the younger ones to bed.

I nervously stitched my sampler of the Goddess as a young maiden. I was guiding the black thread through the area of her hair when my hands shook so badly I pricked myself with the needle. Deciding I had waited long enough, I placed the sampler on my lap and cleared my throat. It was not often that only my father was present in the drawing room in the evening.

"Papa?" I finally called softly when he did not respond to my noisy throat.

He glanced down at me wearily and tried to look interested. "Yes, sweetheart?"

"Papa, I've been thinking about this for a long time, and now that it's almost time…" I said, then stopped suddenly. This was harder than I thought. I was too afraid he'd say no. "Well, I want to become a page."

"A what?" The kind smile he had given me when I first began speaking disappeared into his beard.

"A page. You know, so I can become the second female knight," I explained.

"No, I don't think that's a good idea, Kally," my father said with a slight frown.

"Why not?" I answered. My insides started to chip away slowly.

"Kally, no. It's hard work becoming a knight. It's definitely not all fun and games."

"You don't think I can do it? Mama says…"

"I know what your mother tells you," he interrupted me. He sighed as he closed his eyes to rub his temples again. "Kally, I think you can do anything you put yourself to. But I don't think it is in your best interest to be a knight. You'll be the only girl and the boys will be mean to you, sweetheart."

"I don't mind. Really, Papa. I want to be a knight," I said, the blue eyes I inherited from the man before me lighting with earnest.

"No, listen, Kally, it would be much too hard for you." He spent the next hour coming up with as many reasons as he could why I shouldn't or couldn't be a knight.

"But Aunt Alanna did it!" I burst out. I was very close to tears, and my father could see I was near breaking to his wishes.

"Yes, but Alanna's father doesn't have to convince other monarchs to marry her, does he?" he said sharply.

"No…" my face fell. There was never any doubt that a foreign royal husband was to be my fate, and that was a fact I had grown up with. It was my duty to appear marriageable.

"So you see, Kalasin, it just isn't possible. You will not be a page, and I don't want to hear anymore about it. Do you understand me?" His face was filled with ripe anger and his voice was tight and thin.

"Yes, Papa," and I turned and ran from the room.

"Kally," my mother called me as I rushed down the hallway to my room. She and my younger brothers and sister were nestled on Liam's bed and my mother was reading them a book. I stopped and took in the scene of mother caring for her children and I burst into tears.

I had never seen my mother so angry at my father ever when I revealed what had just happened. She tried her best to change his mind and for me to push my dream, but I refused. It was my responsibility to Tortall to marry for an alliance with another country. It was the reason I had been born.

Four years later it did not come as a surprise to my father when I chose Emperor Kaddar of Carthak as my betrothed. It was the best choice for Tortall; Carthak was a very powerful and rich country and an alliance with them was the most beneficial decision for Tortall.

Now my decision caused me to cry myself to sleep. I was not disturbed with my husband to be, for he was a good man, or so I was told. Truthfully, I had no idea. I had seen a painting of him and we shared a letter correspondence, but there are so many faults one cannot confide to paper and paint. Daine and Alanna had assured me he was a good man, but it had been years since they had last seen him, and people change.

I wiped my eyes with the edge of my blanket and sat up against the tapestry on the unyielding stone wall. I stared at the curtains of my four poster bed and smiled sadly at them. They hid my tears from the rest of the world.

More than anything I needed to speak with someone, to tell someone of my fears and worries of never meeting your husband before marrying him, of traveling to a far and foreign land filled with strange customs and traditions, and of not seeing a familiar face to call friend.

What if everything went wrong? What if everyone there hated me? What if my husband cared not for me and was unhappy with his Tortallan bride? My parents could never come visit me nor could I leave to see them ever again, and there were some things I could not trust to letter.

It seemed hopelessly lonely, but deep inside I knew this marriage was important for Tortall. I could not help but fell a twinge of jealousy still. My mother and father married for love, but I was not granted that same luxury, nor was my brother, but Roald turned out to have a steady, if still a little awkward and polite, marriage.

The more I thought about it, the more furious I became. I could never talk about it to anyone because no one would ever understand. My mother had come to Tortall and shortly married my father, yes, but she had Buri and she loved my father and courted him before she married him. She would never understand my feelings, and even if I did inform her of my fears she would then not make me go. That was part of the agreement she made with my father; we would choose our spouse and if one of us was genuinely unhappy about it, he would not force us to go through with it.

So I had no one. No one would understand my feelings about leaving so many wonderful and familiar things behind and to never to return to them. My family and friends would never make the long and arduous journey to see me as often as I wanted, and my father would never leave Tortall. My father, whom I obeying and giving up all I knew for his beloved country would never visit me. My father, who was Tortall.

So, by day I pretended I wanted nothing else than to go to Carthak and marry a complete stranger and live there the rest of my life. By night I cried myself to sleep and worried far into the night about my future life, alone in a strange land.

**A/N: As always, Constructive Criticism is appreciated. And yes, I'll get back to my Kimi story soon enough. :) I needed a break, and this idea is very near to my heart and I needed it to get out. Thank you all for reading, and I hoped you enjoyed it.**


	2. The Engagement Party

It had always been seen as a great faux pas to not wear shoes inside while in Tortall, but now I was thankful it was perfectly acceptable to go barefoot in Carthak. The coolness of the marble against the bottom of my feet made the summer's heat so much more bearable. I stood in the second largest bedchamber in the palace while maids rushed around me to set my belongings in some semblance of order and familiarity.

My delegation and I had been in Carthak for three weeks and it was finally time for the wedding. It was agreed upon by the ambassadors and officials of both countries that an immediate union between the two monarchs would be the best solution. A Tortallan Empress was needed quickly to leave an impression on the Carthaki people. Carthak was going into another drought and the formal union would not only allow Tortall to send help officially in the treaty, but it might also prevent raiders from aiming at their neighboring country and go elsewhere.

My eyes strayed to the door that led to the chamber of Emperor Kaddar. Even after three weeks here I had not one opportunity to really talk with my future husband. Our schedules rarely matched with parties, tours, and meetings, and even when we happened to cross paths, each of our attentions were competed for by others. Everything here was also much more formal than at home, and the difference in the way I treated and was treated by my new family only emphasized my homesickness.

The gilded door opened and Kaddar looked into the room to see what the commotion was. All the maids froze and bowed low on the floor. I curtsied deeply to the Emperor and he approached me.

"Your Highness," he said politely and kissed my hand.

"Your Majesty," I answered. He was handsome, with a clean shaven face of light milk chocolate, a delicious drink I had been introduced to when I arrived here. He had thin lips, thick dark eyebrows and cropped hair because of the heat. I would be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to him, but attraction did not signify a happy marriage.

We stood awkwardly for a moment. He knew what I was doing there, and asking out of politeness would only embarrass us both.

"I can see you are busy here, and I must return to my duties," he said finally. He bowed to me and moved back to the door that separated our rooms.

"Wait, Kaddar…" I blurted out before blushing with mortification. I had never called him by his first name before. "Forgive me, Your Majesty," I said.

"What is it, Kalasin?" he asked with a kind smile. It did not escape my notice that he called me by my given name for the first time also.

"Are you terribly busy? Maybe we could talk?" I asked, not realizing how desperate my voice sounded until I saw his smile change from kindness to pity.

"I can't today, but maybe tomorrow?" He flushed when he realized his mistake. The wedding was tomorrow.

"I understand, Your Majesty," I said formally, then hustled out of the room before I could embarrass myself further. I ignored the maid who called out to me that I had forgotten my shoes and I continued on until I reached my previous room. It now looked bare and empty without my dozen trunks and I hadn't realized how large it was without them. I loved this guest room of light purple and deep violets, but my favorite feature was the view of the city, and in the distance, the sea. The Gods know how much I dwelled on the land beyond those waters while standing near the window. At the moment the city was dressed in the setting sun's red and orange rays. The sea glittered like rubies as the sun disappeared into its smooth surface.

"Your Highness?" a quiet voice from the doorway called me.

"Yes?" I turned and faced the maid who held my shoes. I reached for them but she shook her head and sat me down so she could put them on me.

"It's almost time for the banquet," she informed me as she slipped one of the slippers on and then the other. "Are you wearing that tonight?"

I sighed. I was supposed to wear the blue dress that night but I was uneager to put on my fourth dress of the day, even with the help of a maid. "No," I answered finally as I fingered the green silk of the current gown. I couldn't break tradition and wear green to the Engagement banquet. Of course, according to Carthaki tradition, the Engagement banquet was supposed to be held a year ago, but our wedding would not be an entirely traditional Carthaki wedding because we were royalty and I was Tortallan.

There was one trunk left in the room that held my Engagement dress and my wedding dress. "There is the blue silk dress with the matching veil in the trunk," I directed her to it, and she prepared me for the night.

Only the families, and in our case, ambassadors and members of the delegations, were invited to the Engagement banquet. There was one long table that stretched the full length of the Banquet Hall and Kaddar was seated at the head with me at his right. My delegation and my sister, Lianne, were seated next to me on the right and his family and chief officials were on his left.

I talked with my sister and I charmed the officials of Carthak. I could see from their smiles they thought I would make an excellent Empress. I greeted Kaddar politely, but mostly I avoided his gaze.

He touched my arm during the third course and beckoned me to lean in. "Are you well?" he asked with concern.

'I am well, Your Majesty," I answered. I was touched that he asked.

"I have time after dinner if you want to talk," he offered quietly.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty," I said with sincere regret in my voice, "but I do not have time tonight, and neither do you. You know the traditions as well as I." He sighed and nodded. I turned back to my sister with a steady smile in place.

Later that night came the ceremony for the exchanging of gifts. It was a Carthaki tradition that the suitor gives the bride a Shabka, or a piece of jewelry, and the bride would give him her dowry. Then the groom would slip the ring on the bride's finger, declaring them engaged.

We stood up before our small audience. "Kalasin of Conté," Kaddar announced. "Here is a gift of my love and devotion to you." He held out a small plain box and I grasped it with shaking fingers. Inside was a large opal surrounded with rubies and diamonds set in gold. It had to be the gaudiest necklace I had ever seen, but I smiled at it. I knew how expensive it was and how useful it would be for my Gift, so I appreciated it despite its appearance.

"Kaddar Gazanoi Iliniat," I said the traditional words, "here is a gift of my acceptance and love for you," and I gave him the treaty he and all the officials from Tortall and Carthak had been working on for the last three years. His hands held the treaty tenderly before giving it to a servant to put away. He then pulled out a band of gold, took the third finger of my left hand – the one connected to the heart according to Carthaki legend – and slipped the ring on. His fingers were chilled and I smiled warmly at him.

We were separated immediately by well wishers, and I was sent to my chamber and he to his. Tomorrow would be a long day.

Lianne came to my room but I sent her away. I couldn't bear the thought of her seeing her older sister in her moment of weakness, for the moment my head hit the pillow I willed myself for my last long cry. I needed to be strong from now on, for tomorrow I would become Empress of Carthak and Kaddar's wife.


	3. The Wedding

The next morning I woke to a flurry of maids coming in to dress me up. Also with the maids came Kaddar's mother and his two older sisters, Nadi and Nadareh. Both of his sisters were beautiful and as dark as Kaddar was, and in this collage of dark skinned beauties from the maids to the nobles, I felt pasty white and as self conscious as an albino pigeon among sleek ravens. As I took my bath and scrubbed my skin to a raw pink, I wondered if Kaddar thought I was unattractive. I knew I was seen as a beauty to rival my mother back home, but here there was a different kind of beauty that was placed on a pedestal, and I feared I lacked that trait.

After I put on my white wedding dress, a simple long gown with an extravagant gold collar, the maids stepped back and let my new family do my hair and makeup, as tradition dictated. Nadi applied kohl to my eyes while Nadareh braided my hair. According to my mother-in-law, braids excited men sexually, and my braids were designed to excite Kaddar. I found this funny, but looking around it was obvious I was the only one, so I choked down my laughter the best I could.

"I know your own mother must have talked to you before you left," the Princess Fazia began as she watched the other two females put on the finishing touches to my face and hair, "and I know Tortall has different beliefs about the intimacy of marriage. But do not disappoint him. I expect to see blood on the sheets in the morning; otherwise I will doubt every child you claim as his, and despite his decision to take only one wife, I will see to it that he has a harem so we know that at least one child is his."

She patted my head in a motherly way and adjusted my veil slightly. I was a virgin, but I was now seriously considering cutting myself and bleeding on the sheets rather than have her catch them spotless.

"Come now, it is time to go," she said and she and her two daughters led me out of the room towards the temple. Carthaki weddings were not like Tortallan ones; the weddings themselves consisted of signing a paper in front of a priestess of the Graveyard Hag. The banquets and parades afterwards were what made the day an event.

Kaddar was already there and he bowed to me while I curtsied. The priestess was an old woman who cackled at the pair of us. "You will make such a fine couple," she told us and handed Kaddar a quill to sign the document. "Learn to get to know him soon, dearie," she told me with a conspiring wink, "He's quite a charmer and knows how to treat a woman right!" Kaddar smiled with embarrassment while I tried to suppress a grin. I signed the paper quickly and the priestess rolled it with deft fingers. "Emperor Kaddar and Empress Kalasin, I declare you husband and wife!"

Kaddar bowed deeply to the priestess, far deeper than what was needed or expected. "Goddess," he addressed her, and I followed with a deep curtsy of my own. Daine had said the Graveyard Hag was very interfering, but I was stunned that she would go this far. When I looked up again she was gone, and Kaddar was offering his arm to me. I took it.

The parades and banquet were all extravagant and beautiful, with bright colors and amazing displays of magic and music and dancing, but I scarcely watched any of it. My mind was on one thing only: the wedding night.

After we said our farewells to the court and well-wishers, servants led Kaddar and me to our rooms. The second I dismissed my servant, I tore the veil from my head and ran shaking fingers through the top of my hair before they caught in my braids. Kaddar had gone to his own rooms and I was starting to feel panicked. Do I go to his rooms or does he come to mine? I sat down hard on the bed and put my face in my hands. Having never really talked to Kaddar, I didn't know what he was expecting of me. This was an arranged marriage for two countries' gain, so how does it work? It couldn't work like a regular marriage, because if so, we'd be already be together, wouldn't we? I got up and began to pace, hoping the steady pumping of my legs would somehow make life make sense.

Was he expecting me to come to him? The thought make me balk physically. I couldn't possibly do that! If he wasn't expecting me then our already awkward marriage would just become more uncertain. What if he was feeling the same things, and uncertain as to if he should come here? Did I even want him to come?

We'll discuss it in the morning over breakfast, I thought to myself as I resumed pacing. The idea of morning made me halt roughly. His mother would check our sheets for blood in the morning. If his mother found no blood, she would think I was not a virgin and spread it around the castle. My reputation would be ruined and tainted for the rest of my life and all the plans and dreams I had of changing Carthak for the better would be destroyed. No one would back the plans of a whore Empress.

I glanced around for my knife but knew it was a foolish thing to do. Kaddar might tell his mother nothing had happened, and she would find the bloodied sheets or the servants would. They would think the worst of me and know I tried to trick them. The rumors would spread like a wildfire in a drought.

Someone knocked on the door and I was already up with my hand curled around the doorknob before I realized who it must be and froze. I mentally forced my hand to turn the doorknob and face him. My last thought before the door swung completely open was that Kaddar could have his way with me as much and as abusive as he wanted and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it.

His eyes widened slightly at the sight of me and I realized that it was the first time he had ever seen me without my veil on. This also meant that my look of a cow about to be slaughtered was clear for his scrutiny. I had not realized how dependent I had become on the veils to slightly cloak my expressions in the last three weeks until that moment.

"My lord, may I be of service?" I asked before mentally kicking myself for my choice of words.

To both of our surprise, he smiled. Once I overcame the initial shock, I began to smile shyly. "Kalasin, may we talk? I think this is our first opportunity to talk freely to each other without chaperons, and I think it would be foolish for us to pass this up."

"Of course, my lord, come in," I moved to one side and gestured to the chairs and sofa in one corner of the room. He sat down on the couch and motioned for me to sit beside him. "Please, Kalasin, it would make things so much easier if you just called me Kaddar."

"Of course," I said. "Kaddar," I added after a pause. I remained board straight on the couch and refused to let myself relax. I could tell he wasn't relaxing either. "Would you like anything to drink?" I asked politely.

"No, thank you," he replied, and silence followed.

I could feel myself growing redder as the minute slowly ticked on. I looked up from my lap and saw that he was studying me. Our eyes locked, dark brown eyes to my blue eyes, and before I could stop myself, I asked, "What is it that you expect of me, Kaddar?" My voice sounded softer than I intended, and I broke our connection by dropping my eyes to the floor.

"Truthfully? I don't know. It was always about finding an Empress to help me rule this land and help me solve its problems. I never really thought about anything else until you arrived and I saw you for the first time." Cool fingers pressed under my chin, forcing me to look up at him. "Kalasin, we don't have to decide anything tonight. And this isn't going to work unless we are completely honest with each other."

The first thing he asked of me was honesty, and it was something I would have to lie about to gain his trust. From the time I was old enough to understand, I had been taught that lying was a necessary evil that royals had to perform daily. I was taught not to lie to my parents, but to everyone else it was almost imperative that I accomplish the skill of lying, especially when it concerned other monarchs. I could see in his eyes the truth; he would lie to me if he thought it was necessary. At least we understood each other, I thought wryly.

"Of course, my lord," I answered. "Kaddar."

He leaned back slightly. "Good. In terms of children, you know that we must have heirs." He flushed and looked as if he was wishing he could use a disappearing spell right then.

It didn't seem fair that Kaddar should be the only one embarrassing himself, so I swallowed my pride. "Are you suggesting we start tonight?" I asked, and gestured toward my bed.

He stood up quickly and strode away from me while rubbing the back of his neck. "This isn't how I wanted it to go at all," he muttered to himself passionately.

I pleated my skirt before mentally ordering myself to settle my nervous movements. "Kaddar," I called him and he froze where he stood. "Why don't we wait and handle this later?" I paused them added, "We can just work on being friends."

He turned slowly on his heel. "I would like that, Kalasin," he said slowly and he returned to sit next to me on the sofa. "So what do you think of Carthak?" he asked, and I could see that he genuinely interested in what my response would be.

"It's a beautiful country," I said honestly. Maybe being honest with him would not be as hard as I thought. "And it's such a large land with so many different cultures. I am impressed by how well you have kept this country together, especially through some controversial reforms."

He looked please. "It hasn't been easy, especially taking control of a country after it's been under the regime of a power- and war-hungry emperor mage, but I have tried my best. There are good people here, despite what my uncle's rule has impressed on the other nations. We still have trouble with the nobles uprising in the South, and of course slavery and extreme poverty in some parts are still very prevalent, but they are getting better."

"I have been thinking about possible options regarding your slavery issue." He looked up at me and nodded for me to continue.

"What seems to me is the problem, is that slavery is an ongoing thing. If you start limiting the number of slaves allowed to be brought in and be sold every year then soon there will be no places selling them at all."

"It's a nice thought, but it would only benefit the slave traders. If we limit the amount then the price would go up and they would make more money."

"But don't you see? That's what you want. If the price of slaves rises, then your people will not want to buy as many. They would be losing money by buying slaves, and so they'll keep with what they have. Then we'll start changing policies. Children of slaves will not be slaves. Then, after several years of owning a slave, the owners will be required to set him free or begin paying. I think the year the slave gets set free will have to depend on the age and how he has been enslaved so that it doesn't happen all at once. A subtle and slow plan will be met with less resistance than a sudden change."

He pressed his thin lips together as if thinking hard on the suggestion. "I think I will actually consider it," he told me seriously. I smiled. He gave me a wry smile. "When did you come up with that idea? Or did your father and advisors suggest it?"

"I have been thinking about it for quite some time," I said civilly with an edge of cold anger in my voice. I didn't like for others to think I have been fed ideas and that I couldn't think for myself. "And despite what you were taught to believe, women can think too."

Kaddar winced. "I forgot how much you Tortallan women get offended by such questions. I apologize, I didn't mean to offend."

I smiled at him with humor. "It is not a problem, just don't do it again," I teased lightly.

We talked far into the night about our countries' traditions and childhood memories. I told him about my family and being raised with five siblings in a palace and he told me about being the heir to the throne and being taken away from his family at a young age. I drifted off during a story Kaddar was retelling to me about hunting with his father a few years before the man had died. I felt him pick me up and place me on the cool silk sheets of the bed and remove my slippers and golden collar. My eyes fluttered open and he leaned over me and cradled my head in his hands. He pressed his lips chastely to my forehead. "Good night, Kalasin Iliniat of Carthak. Sleep well."


	4. Giraffes

The next morning I awoke to the sound of the door opening and fabric rustling as someone threw open the thin curtains. My mother-in-law's thin and high voice, however, forced me from my sleepy state. I opened my eyes and blearily surveyed my new surroundings. Everything seemed in order until I looked to my left and saw Kaddar's bare chest.

"Good morning! Come on, it's time to get up! You cannot stay in bed all day." Princess Fazia's cheery voice echoed throughout the room. _Blood_, I thought as panic overcame my senses, _I forgot the blood_. It was too late for it, so I reluctantly got out of bed. Kaddar was already standing and putting on his tunic which he must have removed before climbing into my bed.

The maids hustled over to remove our sheets as I stood in my rumpled wedding dress. Fazia watched them remove each sheet and then looked at me when she realized that they were still pristine white. I met her gaze while blushing furiously. It would be foolish to try and deny any suspicions they had when they had just found Kaddar in my bed, not to mention it would only embarrass Kaddar. I bet he thought nothing of it, being also exhausted and seeing nothing wrong with it at the time. After all, I was his wife and from the very little I knew of him, he appeared as my tutors said was normal: filled with Carthaki male ego. He would never want anyone to know that we did not sleep together the first night, foreign woman he had never met before or not. If I said anything to contradict whatever our audience thought had happened, it would possibly alienate Kaddar from me forever.

"Good morning, mother," Kaddar said and he kissed her cheek. "What's for breakfast?"

As Fazia made sure her imperial son had everything he could ever wish for, I listened to the secretary list my schedule for the day. As Empress I had certain roles and duties to fill, and once again the officials believed that I should step in immediately and competently to act as a beacon for the people. I ate little breakfast; having lost my appetite, and had my maids help me prepare for the day. As I was leaving for the university, I heard Kaddar interrupt the secretary.

"The Empress and I will have dinner alone tonight," he ordered the secretary. The man bit his lip, then hurriedly crossed something off and wrote it in the margin of the page.

"Of course, Your Imperial Majesty," he said with a nod.

"How was your day?" Kaddar asked as we sat in the private dining hall. Slaves silently slid beautifully prepared appetizers before us and bowed themselves out of the room. Despite Daine's request that slavery diminish, there were still plenty of slaves working at the palace. I had requested that none serve me privately, but they were not kept out of my sight.

I sighed. Overall it had been a pretty depressing day, but a part of me wanted to believe that I was settling into the role of Empress smoothly. "Tiring," I said, but then added, "But good. I learned so much about the Lung Sickness today." More than I wanted, I thought dryly to myself.

It was a huge epidemic in the eastern part of Carthak, and its victims suffered from breathing difficulties and rough coughing that produced blood and eventual death. Priestesses claimed that this epidemic was another example of how the gods had forsaken the country, and the people were starting to riot. The Sickness could not be cured by simple healers because the Lung Sickness infected them and spread to the next patient they tried to save. The death toll was not high yet, but the mages had yet to come up with a way to cure it. As a healer, I was the most reasonable choice to talk with the great mages, and I was secretly proud of myself for keeping up with the conversation and suggesting intelligent solutions.

"How was your day?" I asked, hoping his was better than mine. Receiving gifts from the nobles who came to gawk at their foreign white Empress had not been the most enjoyable experience of my life.

"Truthfully? I don't want to talk about it," Kaddar said lightly as he cut the watermelon and raised the red slice to his lips.

"That bad?" I removed my veil after a quick scan of the room. In Carthak it was only permissible to take off your veil in the presence of your husband or other women.

"Yes. Not only are we having riots in the Eastern lands," he nodded to me, "but now the Southern nobles think they can rule this country better than I can." He sighed heavily and closed his eyes.

The slaves came out with antelope and Kaddar smiled. "These are my favorite," he said.

I stared at the foreign food and forced myself to smile. I hadn't had Tortallan food in four weeks and never did I miss it more. My sister Lianne had also left today and I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye.

"I remember a few years ago when Daine came here, she refused to eat these because she once shape shifted into a deer," Kaddar continued. I think he was just trying to make conversation, but I grabbed the lifeline.

"She is such a character," I said with a laugh. "When I left, she was pregnant with her first child and she had to shape shift her bottom half so that the baby wouldn't kick itself out of her stomach. She was really upset because she had to wear only dresses for months. Ever since I met her she has always had a dozen animals hanging on to her."

"When she was here she insisted she visit all the cages of the menagerie and talk with them." He shook his head. "I wish I had her power. Even then, I was slightly worried that she'd get eaten. Have you visited the menagerie yet?"

I shook my head. "I've wanted to," I admitted, "but I just haven't had the time."

"It's the best," Kaddar said. "Do you want to go see it together sometime?"

"I'd like that," I said with a smile.

The days slowly faded into weeks and my initial homesickness started to pass. I discovered I enjoyed my life here far more than I expected I would. Often I would take moments off to walk through the streets with my escorts and visit marketplaces and temples. The Temple of the Graveyard Hag was a favorite site of mine because of its impressive displays, but I often ventured into the Temple of the Mother Goddess to pray and mediate.

I also found that I started to like Kaddar more and more as time went on. I watched him often as he dealt with his subjects with kindness and fairness and tried his best to solve problems for those who came to him for help. He honestly loved his people and it was a trait I deeply admired. I found myself straying to his side like a butterfly attracted to a blooming flower, and found myself wishing he would treat me with even greater kindness and gentleness than he did with the Carthakis. He seemed to enjoy my company, but as two very busy royals it was difficult to test his acting skills.

A few weeks after our agreement to see the menagerie together, we were finally able to get our schedules to match. It was late afternoon and we saw very few people as we strolled around the menagerie.

"I enjoy coming here," Kaddar said. "I've reached a new level of interest in these animals since I became Emperor, and I think I'm starting to understand why my uncle loved his birds so much. Being near animals is a haven from people." Kaddar nodded regally to a mage by the exotic birds' cage. The man bowed deeply then scurried off, nose already lost in the scroll in his hand.

"I agree. No one could understand me like my horses, and it was the perfect escape from too many social situations. Animals don't have high expectations of us." I said. Kaddar glanced curiously at me.

"Yes," he said simply. "Exactly."

"What's your favorite animal?" I asked when we stopped by the monkey cage. They screeched at us angrily, so we continued on.

"It changes. This week, the giraffes."

"Well, come on! Where are they?" A strange sensation filled me, one I recognized but refused to identify. I wrestled with myself before finally acknowledging it: I wanted to make him happy.

"The giraffes?"

"No, the tigers. Of course, the giraffes!"

"Well, they're over there," he said and pointed along the way. I grabbed his hand and dragged him in the general direction, feeling less royal than I had in weeks. It was a good feeling.

"This isn't dignified, Kalasin," Kaddar remarked dryly, but I could tell he was amused. I was forcing him to half run, half skip with me once he told me exactly where the giraffes were.

"Yes, but hardly anyone's around and…" I hesitated, and then shrugged in a un-Empress like way.

"And what?" His eyebrows rose.

"I need a break from acting regal; otherwise I'm going to lose it. Acting like a child helps."

"That sounds like a good remedy," he said with a smile. "Lead the way." He stopped suddenly. "Actually, I'll race you."

"What? Are you serious?" He nodded while trying to hold back a grin. "I'm in a dress! That's an unfair advantage on your part, not to mention you know for certain where you're going."

"You're just afraid of losing," he teased.

I heaved a dramatic sigh then, without warning, dashed off. "Hey!" I heard him cry. It was nearing dinnertime now, and the menagerie was deserted. I raced around the bend, past the lion's and the hyena's enclosures when I spotted the long graceful necks of the giraffes. Kaddar appeared beside me and was running at my speed with ease.

"The one who touches the wall first wins," he instructed, and I hitched up my skirts so I could run faster. The wall edged closer, and in a burst of speed Kaddar sprinted past me and touched the wall three paces before me. He twisted around and caught me in his arms before I ran into the wall.

"Cheater," he gasped as I tried to soothe my heavy breathing.

"It was my only fighting chance. You did win, you know."

"I know," he said proudly and straightened. I jabbed him in the stomach lightly, making his shoulders curl in.

_I wonder if I'm drunk_, I thought to myself. _I'd never act this relaxed with him unless someone's been slipping things into my wine._

We both stilled suddenly, realizing how close we were. I was still practically in his arms, and his hand drifted up to brush a loose curl from my cheek. My veil had whipped free of its pins in the race and was now covering the top of my head instead of my face.

This was it. Kaddar was too much of a gentleman to initiate the kiss, so I would have to do it. Caught up in the moment, I lifted my face up in a deliberate sign, and Kaddar's lips met mine. His arms tightened around me as the kiss deepened and my arms slid up his back to rest around his neck.

It wasn't my first kiss. When I was fifteen, a young squire by the name of Benyum of Longstat came to court and wooed me the best way he knew how. I was enchanted by him for one reason or another and one night at a ball, we escaped to the garden to share several passionate kisses before we were discovered. My father found out about us, and within a few short days, Benyum and his knight master received a firm request that they go. My father had a long lecture ready for me about how it wasn't fair to the young man that I led him on while I was already betrothed to another. I saw Benyum a year after and tried to talk to him but he waved me away from him, like wind blowing away gray smoke.

But this was different than Benyum's clumsy, juvenile kisses. This was…

Something long and wet was trying to pull my silvery veil from my hair. I pulled away from Kaddar reluctantly and reached up to touch a large furry head.

I screamed and ducked out of the way of the giraffe thief, who managed to steal my veil and lip at it with its tongue. Kaddar was laughing so hard that tears were coming to his eyes. I swatted his arm to make him stop, which only made him laugh harder.

I ripped the veil out of the giraffe's mouth and despite my determination to act indignant, I began to laugh too.

"I remember why I like them so much," Kaddar said as he wiped his eyes. I grinned with slight embarrassment and held up my soggy veil. "Come on," he said and offered his arm to me. "I know a back way to get inside so we won't be seen." I placed my arm on his, and despite feeling embarrassed the moment before, I was happier than I had been for weeks.


	5. Will you marry me?

Our private dinners became a biweekly tradition for both of us. We hadn't kissed since the day in the menagerie, but we were becoming fast friends. For me, he was quickly becoming something more. Every time I saw him my heart skipped a beat and my breathing became shallow and quick. I wanted to be around him and touch him, and more than anything I wanted him to kiss me again like he did by the giraffe enclosure.

It wasn't hard to see that I was falling in love with my husband. I wanted him – heart, body, and soul – but the timing was… inconvenient. The Eastern Lands were rising up to march against the capital and Kaddar and I were very busy trying to pacify the unruly mob. Both of our energies were spent on the new trouble brewing in the east, not to mention the daily tribulations of being monarchs of a large and unstable country. Our work for the Eastern Lands was in vain, however, and the mob attacked the western city of Manjid, killing hundreds of men, women, and children in their fury. Kaddar had no choice but to send his army against his people and put them down, killing hundreds more and imprisoning their leaders.

That left him in a depressed and angry mood for days. "Can't they tell we were trying our best to help them?" he said one evening over dinner. "Look at you, you're exhausted. You have been working so hard for them that you've become ill."

"I'm fine," I responded automatically. It caught me off guard that he switched subjects to me so quickly. I _was _sick, but I believed it was a secondary trouble to what happened to the people of Manjid. I had not realized that Kaddar had noticed because I had been trying so hard to hide it from everyone so I could keep working.

"No, you're not. You have dark smudges under your eyes. You are looking paler than usual. You haven't been eating well, and I heard you last night." I looked down with shame at the plate in front of me. I had been violently ill the night before. "Kalasin, you've got to take better care of yourself. What kind of image are you sending to _my_ people by looking like that?"

My heart dropped into a bucket of ice cold water while my face burned. I rose shakily from my gilded chair and leaned forward against the table. "Just because you are having problems with _your_ people doesn't mean you can take it out on me. I worked just as hard as you to prevent what happened at Manjid, and in case you didn't notice because you are too busy criticizing my appearance; you're starting to look ill too. What image are you presenting to _your_ people by looking like that?" I gestured roughly at him then walked stiffly to the door.

"Kalasin, habibi, wait," Kaddar said. "Don't be angry with me, I'm sorry. Come back. You and I both cannot afford to lose a meal. Please?" His tone was gentler than I had ever heard it and I before I knew what was happening, Kaddar was leading me back to my seat and pushing my chair in. He kissed my cheek and then resumed his own place at the table.

"What did you call me?" I asked.

He frowned. "What? Kalasin?"

"No, the other word." I tried to pronounce it, but failed.

"Habibi?" He said again. His teeth flashed into a large smile. "It means sweetheart in Thak." Pleasure settled in me like a warm drink in my belly. "We need a break," he declared as he sipped his wine. "Two weeks off seems like a long enough time to revive our spirits and our health. How does that sound?"

"It sounds great," I said with a relieved smile. "But are you sure we should take one now? It doesn't seem appropriate when the entire country is in mourning for the Eastern Lands and Manjid."

He sighed. "The timing is bad, but frankly, we need it. Even my advisors have mentioned it'd be best if we took some time off. So, where do you want to go? South?"

"That sounds fine," repeated. I didn't care where we went. I hadn't seen any of the country except the shore and the palace.

"Good." He clapped his hands and a slave appeared. "Tell her Imperial Highness' maids and our servants to pack for a two week trip to Siraj."

The slave bowed so low his forehead touched the ground. "Yes, Your Imperial Highness," he murmured.

The next day I found myself leaning against the railing on a ship, breathing in the deep salty smell of the sea. It reminded me strongly of the journey to Carthak, only three months ago. It seemed like so long ago that I had stood on the deck of the ship and thought about my husband. Things hadn't changed too much, because I was still wondering about him.

A cool hand brushed against mine on the railing and I turned to see Kaddar standing beside me. He nodded at me, and then turned to study the blue green waters in front of us. A cold wind blew from the east and I shivered involuntarily.

Kaddar noticed the cold. "Would you like to head inside?"

I nodded and he escorted us to the private suite of the boat. Because of the small size, there was only one room for the monarchs. It would be the second time I would spend the night with my husband, and there were three more nights until our destination. I smiled away my silly jitters and sat down on the bed. We were both ill still, and we were not going to make love on a boat. Or at least, that had been my understanding.

I got comfortable and lay against the pillows. I yanked the veil from my face and undid my hair until it was comfortable. Usually my maids did my hair up in an impossibly awkward and tight twist, and it was always a relief to take it down. Of course, since it was midday, they would probably hunt me down and chastise me, but for now, I was happy to be comfortable. In fact, I only wished I could wear a pair of breeches so that I could be completely comfortable. If only if it wasn't against social rules in Carthak to do so.

Kaddar settled himself against the pillows beside me and we sat in silence for a long while. It wasn't long before I heard his deep breathing and knew that he had fallen asleep.

I adjusted my skirts around me so I could turn and study his sleeping form. He was so precious to me in a way I couldn't fully explain, not even to myself. He was more than just my first real infatuation, or even the man I knew I was starting to love as a woman loves a man: he was my best friend here. I had met a few ladies-in-waiting, but I now knew I could talk to him, confide in him and know that it wasn't expected for me to act majestic or imperial. I could be myself around him and he understood me and I understood him. I loved him.

I watched him until he woke, studying every line and feature in his face and body and memorizing it the best I could.

"Good afternoon, Kaddar," I greeted him. It took a while for his eyes to focus.

"Good afternoon, is it? How long was I asleep?" I shrugged. I had lost all track of time. My full attention moved to his thin, yet so kissable lips. "Kalasin?"

My eyes flew up to his beautiful dark eyes. "Hmm?"

He smiled a little at me. "What were you doing while I was asleep?"

I blushed deeply and moved away from him to lie back down. "Nothing." My voice was a little higher than usual.

Kaddar rolled over and touched my cheek gently. "May I ask you something?" I said nothing so he continued. "Will you marry me?"

I blinked and rolled over to look at him. "What _are _you talking about? Remember me? Kalasin, your wife?"

He shook his head. "I know that. I am just going about the traditional way of doing this. Let's see, we met, agreed that our families are in the same social circles so it was perfectly acceptable for me to start courting you…"

I blinked. "Oh, Goddess. You've lost it."

He grinned at me and continued. "And now that we've courted for say, three months now, I propose to you. Isn't that how it normally goes in Tortall?"

"Normally, yes. But you do remember the ceremony, the exchanging of vows, everything? Honey, we've been married for almost two month now."

He kissed me gently. "So isn't it time for us to be married for real?" He laughed when he saw my eyes grow huge. "Habibi, I love you." His eyes became uncertain. "And I thought you were growing to love me—"

"I do love you! It's just…" I stopped suddenly. "You love me?"

"With all my heart, Kalasin Iliniat," he whispered softly. He sat up and pulled me into his lap.

"You're acting silly," I told him. It was a bit hard to act indignant when I was huddled against his chest, but I managed. It was especially hard when he had just told me he loved me. But I felt like I had to protest in order to protect myself. I didn't want to get hurt later if he changed his mind.

"I'm on vacation; I'm allowed to act a little silly. Perhaps I'm allowed to act like I'm in love on vacation too. But I am not so sure how this works. Will you help me?"

"Kaddar, I—" but he didn't wait for my answer. His lips were on mine, and within moments he was forcing my mouth open with his tongue. Not that I was protesting now.

A few minutes into paradise and a loud knock at the door interrupted us. Kaddar groaned with annoyance. "What is it?"

"I apologize, Your Imperial Majesty, but dinner is ready for you and Her Imperial Highness."

Kaddar sighed and looked down at me. "Come, Kaddar," I said and slid out of his lap to look for my veil.

"But—"

I hushed him with a touch of my hand to his lips. "We have two more days on this ship with, according to my schedule, not much planned. But, now I that I think of it, I am sure we can think of ways to occupy ourselves in those long hours." I gave him a provocative smile to his shocked but pleased face. My smile faded to a more serious expression. "I never did answer your question."

He looked puzzled. "What?"

I leaned across the bed to him and kissed him. "I will marry you, Kaddar, and I thank you for asking me."

He smiled. "That pleases me more than I can say. Shall I escort you to dinner, my lady?"

"I would be deeply honored, my lord."


End file.
